I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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