sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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