I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Are my feet made of real feet?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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