When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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