when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
