she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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