my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
