So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
