i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
