ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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