I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
