I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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