I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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