Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
