I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
