Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
