I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
