at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
