i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
