im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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