he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
