so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
