Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
smell my finger.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
