Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
