He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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