My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
