I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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