I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
