Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
