The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
