omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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