I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
