she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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