I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
