WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
