btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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