First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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