I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
