the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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