So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
