Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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