I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
