I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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