Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
