Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
