I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
