"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
