I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
