This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
