So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
