we're making bets on your personal life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
