new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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